But It Will Never Be
by Kiara
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS for Lady Knight. After the scene in the mess hall, Cleon thinks about his and Kel's relationship. Rather dark. K/C


I should have known.

I was a fool, I really was. I had hoped I could keep her affection even when we were miles apart. Of course, I couldn't. And then I needed to marry my betrothed, if only to save my home.

In a way, I was glad I had to marry her. When I saw Kel, I knew. It was the lack of the spark in her eyes that told me…she no longer loved me. Perhaps she never noticed I loved her—perhaps she never noticed I had loved her since I was just a page. It was her courage, her determination, that got me in the first place. Then I got to know her, and it was…well, what's not to love about Kel? Not only is she beautiful and smart, but she's talented and funny and can actually keep Neal somewhat human. That last one in itself is a blessing—all of those together are amazing.

I had fought to protect her honor before. Joren's nasty little jokes stopped whenever I was around, to say the least. Even now, I'd do it again. Even now that she doesn't love me and I can't marry her, I'd fight to protect her like I have before. She never needed to dirty her hands to protect herself when it came to Joren, but she didn't see that. She always insisted on doing it. 

When she loved Neal, I saw. I could tell—it was surprisingly obvious. Neal didn't seem to notice, either, but then, she didn't notice that he liked her as well. Perhaps they'd have been good together—but Neal loves Yuki now. Amazing how people can fall in and out of love, isn't it? Neal loved every pretty girl at Court, Kel included, and the only ones blind enough to miss it was the target themselves. Kel didn't know that he wrote poems to her, or even confided in us that he might one day ask her to marry. Then again, Kel didn't know that I did the same until I made my move. I really thought she loved me, and when she did it was obvious—just as obvious as when she no longer did.

It was like a dagger in my heart, the news I had to marry. But it was nothing compared to when Kel stopped loving me. That was…she might as well have gutted me with her glaive, taken out my heart, and fed it to Peachblossom—it probably wouldn't have gotten close to how it felt. If I had felt it, my stomach would have twisted, turned, flip-flopped, done bloody cartwheels. Luckily, I couldn't feel it. The shock…I shouldn't have been shocked. It should have been obvious—I was the only one who didn't see it wouldn't last.

Yes, I still love her. No, I'm never going to tell her. She should find someone else—she obviously doesn't love me now. I'll be her friend, though. If I can't be her love, I might as well still be there for her if she needs it. It will be hard, I know. I still love her with all my heart. I will never be able to love anyone as I do her, I'm sure. That was it. There's no one else for me but her, the Thief of my Heart.

I suppose that's another thing—I'll have to stop calling her those names. Mithros, this may be harder than I thought. Those names were my way of telling her I cared, and since I still do, she'll never know. Then again, maybe it's better that way. That young sergeant who was always flirting with her, Neal's cousin, they'd make a good couple. Gods, I wish I were him. _I_ was the one who was always there for her, when she was to joust Wyldon, when—

But I wasn't there. Maybe that's why she doesn't love me anymore. I wasn't there when she got her shield. Gods, I wanted to be. I tried so hard to be. But I couldn't get out of what I needed to do. I would've risked my shield to go see her then and there, but by then it was too late, and the passes were shut. It tormented me for weeks, knowing I hadn't been there when she wanted me most, but I never guessed she'd stop loving me.

When I saw her then, when I saw she didn't love me, I barely managed to hold my tears. But when I left public, I couldn't hold them any longer. I admit it, I wept. I didn't want to marry my betrothed, I wanted to marry Kel, even though I couldn't because she'd never love me again. I should have taken advantage of her affection while I had a chance in the Dark God's Realm. But now it's too late. Now I'll ruin a friendship and not get anything in return if I so much as _hint_, which I can't even do because I'll be a married man. Married to someone I don't love. What a life.

I should tell myself to be happy with what I get. But I can't. I love her. I can't just let her go as I'm expected to. She may not love me, but I'll always love her. Friends will be all. Friendship will have to be enough. Friendship _will_ be enough.

But it will never be. 


End file.
